Would you buy a car from these men?

Oh, woe to the American Automobile Industry! ‘Scuse me whilst I brush away these crocodile tears. The financial news outlets are reporting that American auto sales are way, way down, and they even went so far as to say that bad news about General Motors in particular is partially responsible for yesterday’s record Dow Jones drop on Wall Street yesterday.

So, what’s the cause of this calamity? The experts are blaming it on war fears in the American consumer, but I call bullshit on that. The same experts note that Honda sales are up in the double digits. Aren’t Honda buyers worried about the war?

The truth is that the most attractive…and thereby best selling…American cars are actually trucks. The Big Three have focused so much on their more profitable pickup truck and SUV markets that they have totally neglected the need to produce decent cars. And the result is that the current crop of American sedans, coupes and sportscars all pretty much suck. This is not a new development, by the way. It’s been bad for a while.

Seriously, when was the last time an American car caught your fancy? The ‘60’s? The problem is that all of the people in charge of styling and design at the American car companies are in-bred hicks (now someone will probably write to ask me what I have against in-bred hicks!). In truth, the last interesting new car launched by any American automaker was Chrysler’s PT Cruiser. When they were new, they were headturners, mostly because they were so different. Now that they’ve been around a while, ho-hum.

Let’s break it down: at Cadillac, GM’s luxury leader, the most sought after vehicle is the Escalade, an overblown redo of the Chevy Suburban. The ‘lade is MUCH more stylish than Caddy’s newest sports sedan, the weirdly angular CTS. CTS? What type of name for a car is that? I think it’s an acronym for “Car That Sucks”. A good friend tells me that it’s really comfortable inside. Really? That’s kind of like putting a barcalounger and a big screen TV in a shotgun shack. Damn in-bred hick stylists.

Remember the Cadillac Catera? That was a mid-sized, supposedly sporty model that for some reason, Cadillac chose to saddle with a duck for a mascot. Calling it “the Caddy that zigs”, they implied that cartoon ducks represent world-class performance. Get it? Neither did anyone else. (Although the American Honda motorcycle racing teams currently use a perpetually pissed-off Woody Woodpecker for a mascot. No one knows why Woody’s so mad.)

On the subject of car names, why can’t Detroit come up with good ones anymore? Chevy has the Cavalier, a cheap, slow econobox. What’s “cavalier” about it? Remember the Chevy Citation? Who wants a car that brings to mind speeding tickets? Of course with the weak engines they put in the Citation, speeding tickets were most unlikely, but owners were often cited with moving violations for driving a butt-ugly car.

Lincoln-Mercury had a car named the “Mystique”, but when you pronounced the name, it sounded like “mistake”. And it must have been one, because they ain’t selling ‘em no more. Now they’re selling a car called the “Marauder”. Lovely name, there. Brings up great images, doesn’t it?

How about the Chevy Celebrity Eurosport? What the hell were they thinking when they named that piece of crap? I can’t even imagine anyone wanting to be seen in a car that carries those name badges. Or the now-forgotten Chevy Beretta. Or Lumina. Or Corsica. These cars were destined for the scrap heap as soon as the ink dried on their designs.

Compare those names to the ones Honda uses: Accord and Civic. These names are words that actually have a related meaning, and these models have now been around for decades, selling successfully. Certainly outselling their American counterparts by embarrassingly large margins.

So now is probably a great time to get a fantastic deal on an American car, but which one is actually worth owning? The only exciting car made by Chevy is the Corvette, and you’d have to be pretty rich to afford feeding a ‘Vette its daily ration of $2.25/gallon premium fuel. A fuel-efficient ride it is most certainly not.

How about Chrysler, or should we say DaimlerChrysler? I was excited to hear about the merger with Mercedes-Benz, but I’ve yet to see any evidence that Chrysler products have improved. Mercedes, however, is going strong, making what are arguably the very best cars in the world. Anyone who disputes this statement simply hasn’t spent much time behind the wheel of one of these fine automobiles. And now you can buy a Benz Sport Coupe for about the price of a loaded Chrysler PT Cruiser Turbo. Talk about a no-brainer.

Dodge is no better. The Intrepid is a decent-looking car, but the ride is wallowy and soft. And the reliability of Dodge products have been very suspect in recent years. The most exciting Dodge is the Viper, but like the Corvette, it has a very limited market because it is really an overpriced toy more than anything else.

Ford is selling a version of their Crown Victoria sedan that’s called the “Sport”. They’ve got to be kidding; what's sporty about a tired 4-door family sedan that weighs two tons? The Crown Vic is the car chosen by police departments around the country as the best car to chase villains in, so I guess the “Sport” version is the model villains will chose to lead those wacky pursuits. In any case, I ain’t buying one. Ford also sells the Focus, a decent little economy car that comes in hatchback, sedan and station wagon flavors. It’s probably the best car they make, and it might be worth buying, but it feels like a cheap rental car to me. Of course, there’s always the classic Mustang and Thunderbird, but even these cars are mere shadows of their former great selves. I’ll pass.

Lincoln has a new model called the LS. Hmmm, like Cadillac’s CTS, I guess those in-bred hicks ran out of vowels. I think it’s an acronym for “Last Shot” and it really is Lincoln’s last shot at trying to capture all of the American consumers who are very happy buying quality cars from Acura, Audi, BMW, Honda, Infiniti, Lexus, Mercedes, Nissan….need I go on?

The cars from Buick, Oldsmobile and Pontiac are not even worth mentioning, Tiger Woods be-damned. These re-badged, overblown Chevys are mostly pathetic, and the concept of actually owning one is pretty sad. Gone are the days when a Cutlass was a cool car, when the Electra actually meant luxury, and a Grand Prix had enough power to get out of its own way. I see these cars with their horrible styling and I have to wonder what happens to young automotive engineers after GM hires them? It must be a combination of having to live near Detroit, and being forced to drive Cavaliers and Grand Ams that must tear the souls out of those wretched fools.

That, and the in-bred hick thing, no doubt.

More later…
Paul